Emotional Encounter: Number 2

Grief

Above is me with my Grandpa a few years ago. He left us tonight. 

Grief is a hard thing. Some people deal with it better than others. I don't seem to feel emotion quite honestly. Sometimes I feel like I'm a robot or something because I don't feel much emotion. People ask me about my dad and I can say he's dead without being too sad about it. I don't cry or choke up when people ask if I'm okay about his death last year. I tear up when I think of the memories we shared, but other than that it barely seems to affect me. Well, of course it affects me, but I don't feel sad everyday or every Friday (the day of the week he died) or even his birthday or death day. I feel upset when I remember that he's not with me for my future, but I will be okay. 

Tonight, my grandfather died. He was 90.  It was all natural and peaceful. I cried, in fact I sobbed, when my mom first called and told me. Now that I'm done with the tears, I am fine. I'll be okay. He lived a happy life. He was content in his home. It was just his time to go. There were of course ways that we could have helped him stay alive, but they were never really settled or finalized. He's somewhere else now. I don't know where, but he's there. Maybe somehow, sometime, I'll see him and my dad again. Before my dad died, my grandpa said, "I'll see you soon in the land above our lives." Maybe there is a heaven. Maybe he is there with my dad, laughing and talking. Maybe. 

I remember a bunch of little things about our times together. I remember when I was a 4 or 5 year old, he used to babysit me. I used to roll myself up in a blanket, and I would tell him that I wasn't there. He would say, "Hm, this blanket looks really old, maybe I should throw it away!" He would pick me up, in the blanket, and he would throw me onto the couch. "There, now it's in the garbage!" I would laugh and laugh and laugh. I don't know what it was about him that always made me laugh. 

I remember the times he tried to insult people, by calling them communists.

I remember how he loved Frank Sinatra. He gave me his Sinatra's Sinatra vinyl. 

I remember the way he loved going outside, even when he could barely walk across his grass. 

I remember when he greet me by shouting, "There she is! It's Miss. America!" I know a lot of girls are greeted like that, but it always feels special when it's you. I want to be called Miss. America again. 

I was going to drive him to get his groceries this summer. I will get my permit this August, and he told me that I was in charge of taking him to the ShopRite. I was looking forward to that. 

I'm going to miss him, just like I miss my father, and just like everyone misses those whom they lose in their lives. It'll be okay though. I will be fine. He's okay. Everybody is okay. No matter what I know he loved me, and I know I loved him. That's all that there really is to know. He was great, but now I'll just have to go on without him. That's the circle of life, and I understand. I accept that I have lost people that I love. I accept it. It's going to happen many more times, and I will just keep pushing on. 

Thanks for reading. 

Learn to love the skies you're under. 

<3 -Colleen

Emotional Encounter: Number 1

Panic Attacks

I've been asked about my panic attacks. How they affect me, why they happen, when, how often do they happen? What could someone do to help me or another person having a panic attack? I'll tell you right here!

Panic attacks are a body's "fight or flight" reaction to the person's surroundings, situation or possible problem. A person may feel frightened, nervous or be overthinking about an impending or current (or sometimes past) situation. Attacks are really weird things, truth be told. I know personally, I hyperventilate, find it hard to speak, and get chills. It's very weird. It clouds my judgement and my thoughts. People ask me questions and I can either stutter, breathe heavily or I speak words that don't make sense with each other or the question. They might ask me if I'm okay, and I will just talk about a bad cookie I ate, because my brain isn't functioning the way it should. I usually shiver and sometimes I cry, but I don't like people to know that. 

In fact only one of my friends actually knows about my having these attacks. Unless my friends are reading this now, she's the only one who knows. I hide my panics. I, as well as most panic-ers, know when an attack is going to happen. When I feel the panic coming, I immediately get away from people with whatever excuse I can use. "I'm not feeling well." "Just need some air." "I have to make a phone call." "Just going to use the bathroom." I just get away from others so nobody can see me in my weak state. That's what I refer to it as, my weak state. 

For me, I get a panic attack anywhere from twenty times per month to five times per month. If the situation that caused the attack is really bad, then I have multiple attacks, one after a five minute gap after the last attack. The attacks last anywhere between five and twenty minutes, again dependent on the severity of the situation. 

To help someone when they're having a panic attack is a really difficult thing. I know that there are things that I like, and there are things that I don't like for people to do when I'm having a panic. Nobody has ever witnessed me having an attack, but I know what would be helpful. Since attacks are very personal, each person will feel a different way, but I'm sure there is somebody else who feels as I do. I want comfort and warmth. I know a jacket or a blanket would help the chills. I don't want to talk, since I cannot, but I do want comfort. Take that as you will, but comfort is comfort, and it's different for each person. 

It's hard dealing with panics, but it is all okay in the end. It's just a part of my life that I'll get through one way or another. I hope you learned something from this!

Until next time...

Learn to love the skies you're under!

Adventure: Number 1

A Walk in the Pines

This past Saturday, I brought my two friends and mother on the first of Rita's Documented Adventures. It was absolutely gorgeous weather for our little hike. In the Pine Barrens, we went for an 8.5 mile hike. We hiked through the forested area, and we reached the highest point in the Pine Barrens, Apple Pie Hill. Apple Pie Hill is 209 feet above sea level. What an arduous adventure! *sarcasm* It was really beautiful though, so I was able to look past the sadness of the height of our hill.

At the beginning of the hike, we bundled up in heavy coats, hats, headbands and hiking boots or sneakers. It was a bit chilly out, so we wanted to be comfortably bundled in warm clothing. The trail was marked in pink spray paint. It was usually a little strip of the tree trunk that was painted for hiker's convenience. At first, we were following a sandy and snowy road to the path. I assume that we could have driven this far, but we chose not to take the easy route. This road was not as straight-forward as one would have hoped. There were several forks in the road that made this beginning rather difficult. Someone may be thinking that we should just follow the pink tree paint. Well, thanks to the people who are supposed to make sure it doesn't peel off of the bark, we couldn't see the painted trees very well. The paint was worn down so much that we practically had to inspect the trees to find a pink patch. Somehow we found our way to the actual trail in the forest, and it was absolutely gorgeous.

 We followed a river (above) for the first section of the foot trail. It was one of those rivers that makes you feel so calm. You could inhale a deep cold breath, and you would feel so relaxed and tranquil. It was stunning, and I couldn't help but snap a few pictures. The beautiful banks had some ice blocks on the surface from the cold weather. When the trail started to pick up, we reached an awesome bridge. I am really fascinated by this bridge. Don't ask why. I have weird fascinations. It was big enough to fit a car, so again we could have driven this far, but we didn't. It was over the river from before, with tree roots in the water and with calm but flowing water cascading over pebbles and twigs.

 After we crossed the big bridge, there was a longer period of the trail walking alongside a small creek, flooded with pine trees in a wonderful way. This part of the hike wasn't all too exciting. It mostly consisted of my friend Maddie, leading us through the trail, my mom, chatting up a storm and me, singing random pop songs to my other friend Sedona. We had fun, but there really isn't much to say for this piece of our adventure. Soon we reached a series of three adorable foot bridges! They were quite small in width, but they were quite long. They crossed the little creeks that I found so cute, if I'm allowed to call bridges and creeks "cute"!

 I'm telling you. It's cute!

 These bridges lead to the "hills". I mean they were hills, but they were so tiny that I can barely even consider them hills. On the way up these extremely slight inclined hills we made a lot of jokes about the hill's size. Maddie would say, "Guys, we are so high above sea level that the air thinning so much!" To which I would reply, "I am having trouble breathing!" Sedona would tell us, "I can't keep my footing! This mountain is too steep!" Even my mom joined into our playful jokes saying, "I don't think I will make it to the top of this hill. It's so far, you should just go on without me!" We finally saw Apple Pie Hill ahead of us. Also in our view was -what do you know- the road. We could have driven all the way to Apple Mountain and skipped the few miles that we hiked! Oh well, I'm sure the exercise was good for us! On the way up this hill, my friends and I stopped to take a few silly pictures.

We reached the top of the hill, and there was a fire tower at the very top. It was really tall, but I stupidly decided to go to the top. Maddie decided that she didn't want to risk her life on a fire tower, and stayed at the bottom. Sedona, my mom and I started to go up the tower. This was a mistake on my part. I love heights, but I am terrified of falling. This fire tower, barely had any railings -you know, to keep you from falling off the tower. It also was a very windy day. This metal tower was shaking and creaking in the cold wind. I was horrified. Sedona and I made it to the very top -or at least as far up as the tower allowed. We went back down a level to take a selfie with my mom, and then I ran down the steps to get off of that insecure fire tower. Here is the view that I had for the few seconds that I bared on the top level.

We stayed atop the hill for a few minutes, just to give our legs a break from all the walking.

 From left to right: Rita, Sedona, and Maddie

We headed back to the car, on the same path as earlier. This time our legs were starting to get tired, and the only conversations were about how I kept singing annoying pop songs. We were so happy when we reached the first little foot bridge, because that meant that we were half way to the car! The creeks looked absolutely fabulous now. The sun was setting and the fog was settling in above the water. It looked exactly like a scene from a creepy movie. I am very angry with myself that I didn't get a good picture of this. To be honest, I squatted down to take the picture, but my legs were so tired that I fell over, and that made me decide to not worry about the picture and just keep going. We kept walking and finally reached the car. It was parked among other hikers; although these hikers were camping through the night. They all had their campfires roaring, and with my freezing hands, I really fought the urge to run to one of the stranger's fires. We all finally got in the car, and realized that our first adventure was a success in a beautiful area.THANKS FOR READING :)

Until my next adventure,

It's been great!

Don't forget...

Learn to love the skies you're under!

About me!

I am officially a blogger. This is part of my journey. 

I've really not done anything of importance this week. Since this is my first blog, and I really don't know what to say, I have decided to just share some things about me. 

My "special" number is seven, so I am going to give you seven detailed fun facts about myself!

1. I am in my high school Madrigals. That is an a cappella singing group. This has been a major piece of my high school career. I'm so glad that I auditioned for this group. In the Madrigals are some of my dearest friends. We sing for people at holiday parties, and my friends and I go out together afterwards for fun at Starbucks or just a drive around town. It is honestly one of my favourite things to do - be with my friends, singing and laughing. 

2. I am a "quick obsessor" - as I like to call it. What I mean is that I am easily obsessed with things, usually music, a book, or a TV show. Currently, my mum and I are absolutely obsessed with the program, Breaking Bad. It's an addiction to us. We usually watch half of a season per night. Being obsessed with a TV show should be considered a disorder. We cannot stop watching without being terribly worried about what happens next. It is a problem. 

3. I am terribly petrified of growing up. I feel like I am not ready for my future, and I feel as though I am too silly to actually become older. I am afraid of the future. What if I'm not any good at anything? What if I never get a good enough job to provide for myself and hopefully a family? What if I don't have a family? I just worry so much about the future. I wish I could stay as a carefree child forever or until I'm positively ready to move along in life. Right now, I'm not ready at all.

4. I was "born in the wrong generation" so my teacher -and myself- say. I love everything about 1900s, except for the social inequality and a few other things. I adore the clothing style, the music, the lack of technology, and the sources of entertainment. I personally would love if the materialistic "necessities" of my generation didn't exist. I know phones, gadgets and tablets have amazing perks that help our society work; although I wish we didn't have this immediate knowledge at our fingertips. It would be more stimulating and more investing to have to research everything you study. One of the reasons why people -teens, like myself, in particular- dislike research, is because we are so used to the answer being so easily found with the click of a few buttons. I would much rather have wanted to be a child of the 60s or 70s than now. 

5. I am a vegetarian. I eat eggs and cheese, but I don't eat any animal flesh. I can watch the mistreatment of animals, or even hear of it without cringing. It may seem odd to you, but I view humans as what they are, animals. We are animals. Frogs are animals. Elephants are animals. Bees are animals. No human deserves to die, in my perspective. No animal deserves to die. 

6. I have extreme panic attacks every so often. My panic attacks, like many others, are caused by me feeling fear toward my surroundings. Thankfully this doesn't happen too often, because I am not severely afraid of many situations. Unlike many people who have panic attacks, I like to travel. Travel, which scares some people, makes me feel more comfortable. When I have distractions from that which makes me afraid, then I can ignore or suppress the feeling of fear. I have also gotten better at keeping my attacks under control, and I think that soon it won't even be hard to calm my fright. 

7. I absolutely cannot wait to start traveling more and sharing my experiences with you! I love learning about cultures, and I love being in nature. I think that this is going to be a fantastic time.

Talk to you next week! 

Lots of love! xoxo

Learn to love the skies you're under!